Fitting in

on

I have this inexplicable desire that people should like me. What I mean is that, the people I am close to should like me. They shouldn’t think bad about me or they shouldn’t have any reason to complain about me. For this I tend to go out of my way in doing things to please people or get them to like me.

Somewhere I know it’s wrong. When you do something for people, it’s builds their expectation. With time they think that’s how you are and it is taken for granted. If you aren’t able to live up to the expectation at some point of time, it will still cause a rift.

When I came into this house as a newly wed, what I wanted mainly was to be accepted well by the family. To be considered a part of it. Though no fixed expectations were set for me from either my husband or in-laws, I went out of my way in trying to become a part of them. I try to help around in the house and do a lot of chores, despite coming late from office. I wake up early to help in the kitchen despite having slept late the previous night. The initial few months got tough at office, as the sleep deprived me had to work on the new project too. What I wanted is for the family to like me.

Now, when I see the rift between my MIL and SIL for minor stuff, I get worried as to what will be the outcome. What if at some point of time in the future it’s going to be the same with me. No matter what I do now, if I am not able to do something at a later point of time, it will still cause fights. The more I do, the expectations increase.

I have faced this before too. When in college, I used to studiously make notes and maintain records very well. Having a neat handwriting and keen interest, I used to do it well and it used to be borrowed by a lot of people. Where it went wrong was, when friends who knew I would help out, would come to me and get diagrams drawn in their record from me. I have written complete practical records for a couple of them. It was double work for me, as I had to do mine and that of the others. Though it was hard for me, I used to do it, as I didn’t want the so-called friends to feel bad, when clearly they were exploiting my nature of not being able to say No.

I don’t wanna end up like that again, but I am scared of getting labeled as a bad DIL, who doesn’t do much at home. I am totally confused as to how to deal with such a situation. On what I should do and what I shouldn’t, where to draw the line 😦 Suggestions are welcome.

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2 Comments Add yours

  1. Mi says:

    Well, I have been a part of these discussions lately as two of my very close friends have got married and one is trying to do exactly what you are doing, and the other is totally being her arrogant self. I always feel the second one is right in her place, because she is not compromising on her individuality. Arrogance not in a bad sense, but one which comes with honesty. Say my first frn is N and second is D, then D clearly admits that she cannot wake up before 9, because that’s how she’s been doing all her life, and if she is expected to wake up at 7 all of a sudden, it willt ake time for her to get over that habit. She said she would try, but it would take some time, because no matter what she does, she cannot sleep before 2 -3am in the night.

    her MIL seemed to have accepted her outright honesty and has told her to take her time. Also, she sucks at cooking, so she clearly accepts that she is not able to tell whether t he salt in the food is perfect or not, because she prefers a little less salt, so she told her MIL that she has never cooked, and she will learn, but she should not be expected to be great at it all of a sudden. She has given in a lot otherwise, like sacrificed her career for the sake of the family etc, so she walked half the distance, and she is expecting her in laws to walk half way! she has made her self very clear and she lives by her honesty. She has nothing to lose! πŸ˜€

    On the other hand, N, the other friend, started off with cooking a 7 course meal, every single day, waking up at 6 am, sleeping after cleaning everything, not letting the inlaws do any household chore, stopped talking to guys, wearing only bright colored dresses, and she completed stopped using bb and whatsapp, only to please her family, but she is not this person. She has lost her self. she has lost her individuality. I keep telling her, you are behaving like you are some 1935 ki bahu. I told her that the family was going on before you came in and it would have gone on without you too. you did not come in to take the work that they were doing before, you’ve come to add value to yourself and the new family. She got my point, and she took a little inspiration from D, and i think she’ll not be way too giving and in the process lose her self!

    I hope i made my point! πŸ™‚

    too big a comment, but the topic was very itchy, so i scratched where it itched πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

    1. πŸ˜€ πŸ˜€

      I know exactly what you mean.. Have thought about it a lot. Have a few such daring friends myself. Though I am not being a totally obedient bahu like your other friend, I know there are still things that I can change, esp the way I am handling it.

      Will definitely try! Thanks Mi for driving some amount of sense into my head! πŸ™‚

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