Reality and Denial


Life only seems to get tougher and tougher. I always make a big deal of even the small problems. It’s only when we face something big, we realize that we were better off before.

Everyday, there are so many incidents that I am reminded of. My mind doesn’t wanna believe that dad is no more. How is it even possible? Wasn’t he talking to us a couple of hours before they declared he was gone? How can someone go away just like that? How? Trust me, no matter how much science you know, it doesn’t really help in such a situation.

I keep getting the feeling that he will walk down the staircase, like his usual self and scold me for staying up late in the night. Else, it seems like he has gone for his daily walk and will be back soon. I keep talking to him all the time in my head and every time there is this question I ask him, “How can you leave us and go?”.

I remember the night that we sat in the balcony waiting for him to return. There was a fight at home and he had gone off on his scooter. He wasn’t receiving our calls and didn’t return till nearly midnight. When he did return, he said he had gone all the way till Nandi Hills. I still remember the fear we felt that day. Today everything feels numb, that worst fear having come true.

There is hardly a thing that my mom has done independently, apart from going to work and the household chores. She was totally dependent on him. Dad bought the vegetable, the groceries, paid the bills, handled the bank stuff and took mom everywhere. She never traveled anywhere alone. Now how will she cope with everything? How will she learn to handle things? This worries me the most.

I feel like sleeping all the time and not getting up, coz when I am asleep everything seems fine. Waking up only places me back into reality. 😦


14 Comments Add yours

  1. greenboochi says:

    I have no words, I am speechless. Its really hard to even think of it and I know how hard it must be for you. I am so sorry you are going through all this, all of a sudden. Hugs Arch.

    I know I really shouldnt be thinking of it.. but more than one ways, I get scared of how will mom survive, if not for dad. Just like your dad, my dad runs the family. Amma doesnt even know how much dad makes every month. She is so so innocent and stays away from outside world – I am so scared for her sometimes.

    I hope God gives enough strength to all of you, to go through this.

    hugs again.

    1. Arch says:

      Thank you GB!

      It is really hard. No matter how hard we try to deviate the mind, there flashes of incidents, words spoken, desires expressed but left unfulfilled and plans made that comes the mind. It brings so much pain and the void feeling in the heart grows bigger.

      Although I know it not possible, I still wish, no one ever has to go through this kind of a situation.

  2. Monkey Mind says:

    I am so sorry arch! I read the post and all I could feel was a sense of numbness. I cannot even allow my mind to stretch and imagine a scenario where father is no more. It must be really really hard for you and your family. May God and your dad give you the strength to come out of this phase of feeling lost.

    A big big hug arch 😦

    How true is that we realize the value of someone only when they are no more around? But you know something? Sometimes when we desperately want to convey something or close some unresolved issues with a dear person who is no more in a mortal form with us, it just happens. Somehow. It did for me. They come in your dream or tell you somehow what you want to hear and then a sense of peace engulfs you.

    Hugs dear 😦

    1. Arch says:

      Thanks MM!!
      I really hope he comes in my dream. Sadly I have been only having bad dreams for the past few weeks, when asleep at night. 😦

  3. Tatsat says:

    I can not possibly comprehend all what you are going through. But I guess… you have to handle this on your own. And that is not an easy thing.
    But what I do know is this: that you will handle things well.

    1. Arch says:

      I am trying hard.
      But sometimes it gets extremely difficult and I am filled with fear about mom, the days ahead and everything. I feel very weak at times times like that. 😦

      1. Tatsat says:

        Don’t be so.
        You have proven yourself through some tough times. At this unfortunate hour, if someone like you would not stand up- who else will. I can understand that it is mum who is going to be under most stress- such is the nature of loss. And, for that reason, you must shed your disbelief and rise to the challenge.

        And, for that… you have the good wishes of so many friends ( like me ) and a wonderful hubby with moustache πŸ™‚

        1. Arch says:

          Thank you Tatsat!
          I really need those good wishes now!

    1. Arch says:

      Hugs Mi! Thanks for being around.

  4. Archita says:

    I could not hit the like button for this ..A big hug, Arch . Things won’t be same ..they don’t ..sending best wishes. Take care

    1. Arch says:

      Thank you so much!
      Was just reading through your posts! Some amazing stuff you’ve written there. Love the positivity. Hope I can be that way some day.

  5. Hi Arch,
    Am really sorry for your loss. I feel numbed and stung by tears. I wish you positivity inspite of all this. Remember the good times and let them inspire you. Cry your heart out but continue to be brave for your mother. You will get through this. Just some time….. the void is there but memories will help fill it up all well.
    I offer you lots of prayers and hugs. Wade through this for now. Stay strong..

    1. Arch says:

      Thank you so much for the kind words Toffee!

      I know I have to be brave for my mom, have to stay strong. I am successfully pretending to be so, in front of her. But deep within I feel really weak and lost. 😦

      Hope to wade through this, like you say and see the shore.

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