Am I constantly afraid to be myself? There is this constant urge to be like someone else, which is getting me no where.
♦ When at work. I felt what I was doing was not significant enough or that I am not good enough. Always had the feeling that the other colleague is doing great stuff. He is working constantly, joined a great course, managing a family and achieving everything. Why do I feel that he is better off than me even though I know, he wants to quit that job and get a new one, while I got that already? When I know that he gave up the course midway coz it was too much to handle amidst everything, while I chose to learn stuff on my own?
♦ When hanging out with friends (one an NRI and another a foreign returned). When they chat about places, foreign brands and other stuff, I feel small for maybe having not achieved enough, for having not gone around many places.
Why do I feel this way even though I know that the life I have here with family & friends is what is better and that social parties with drinks, hanging out at the mall etc. is all that they have there?
♦ When roaming around at the mall with them. I feel out of place. I feel that everyone around has so much money and can afford such expensive stuff. Why do I feel that way though I know I spend my hard earned money the right way. I know that I am saving up for a rainy day and not spending away all I have.
♦ When I look at tall and beautiful gals. I feel bad I am short and cannot carry off the kind of clothes they wear, that probably am not as beautiful as they are. Why do I feel like that when I know I wear good clothes, that I am comfortable in and that my height has never been a limiting factor in my life and that loads of people envy the dimples I have and say that I have a beautiful smile?
♦ When I see people having fun at vacations. I feel sad that we aren’t going out and having fun or having any time of our own. Why do I feel this way when I know I have a great hubby who is my biggest support, who cares for my mom just as much he cares about his parents. He is there to take them on all their doctor appointments and fulfil their needs.
Why do I constantly compare myself to others and feel bad about the things which I don’t have rather than feeling ecstatic about the things I have in my life which is worth much more than what they have?
This comparison and negative feeling I see is only increasing with time. I don’t feel good when among friends. I don’t feel good when we are out shopping. I don’t feel like being social anymore. I disabled my FB account coz that was depressing me and I felt I spent way too much time looking at others lives.
Though I constantly tell myself that there are people who are facing worse situations, who are dealing with those situations much better, there are people like SL who are so positive etc, I still get pulled back into the negative and depressing thoughts.
It seems so hard to be happy when I know I have a much smoother life than many others. Why do I keep struggling constantly to find reasons to be happy??