There are things that I am scared of. Things that I don’t wanna think about but end up creeping into my thoughts again and again. I think seeing a death in the family does this to people. As a child I always prayed to God that I should be the first one to die, as I would be spared of facing the situation of losing a loved one. But Dad passed away first!
No matter how tough it was, the fact is that I was able to cope with it to an extent. Now I am in a place where I can refer to my dad’s death without crying. My mom still cannot. I know it is taking a toll on her health. She still ends up having sleepless nights. All the thoughts come back to her just when she goes to bed. The sleeplessness obviously leaves her strained, affecting her BP, giving her shooting headaches etc. She does take the medicines, but doesn’t eat as much food as is required along with it. She has lost her already small appetite further. She eats such small amounts and that results in her suffering from acidity. No amount of coaxing works.
I am scared. About her health, about my granny’s health. It’s just the two of them staying there. The eternal question of what happens next is what scares me most. What will either one of them do without the other? Will I be able to take another blow like my father’s death? Is there nothing that I can do about it?
Seeing my granny stay alone all day, looking forward to mom coming home in the evening and us visiting, makes me sad. There is little I can do to change the situation. Despite being surrounded by so many people at work and home, I feel lonely most of the times. I wonder how it must be for her. The amazing spirit she has, something I have seen over the years astounds me. For someone who has suffered much in her life, has little company for her old age, she is a highly spirited woman. She is enthusiastic about people visiting. Will be excited about it and will get into full swing doing the preparations. Does a whole lot of work at home and keeps herself as busy as possible with the little chores of the house. She has been the strength for my mom in more ways than one. I can’t imagine a life for me without them and a life for them without each other.
I truly and sincerely wish that I am the one who leaves this world before them. Call me an escapist if you want, but I truly don’t think I can go through the pain again!