Horrible Fears

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There are things that I am scared of. Things that I don’t wanna think about but end up creeping into my thoughts again and again. I think seeing a death in the family does this to people. As a child I always prayed to God that I should be the first one to die, as I would be spared of facing the situation of losing a loved one. But Dad passed away first!

No matter how tough it was, the fact is that I was able to cope with it to an extent. Now I am in a place where I can refer to my dad’s death without crying. My mom still cannot. I know it is taking a toll on her health. She still ends up having sleepless nights. All the thoughts come back to her just when she goes to bed. The sleeplessness obviously leaves her strained, affecting her BP, giving her shooting headaches etc. She does take the medicines, but doesn’t eat as much food as is required along with it. She has lost her already small appetite further. She eats such small amounts and that results in her suffering from acidity. No amount of coaxing works.

I am scared. About her health, about my granny’s health. It’s just the two of them staying there. The eternal question of what happens next is what scares me most. What will either one of them do without the other? Will I be able to take another blow like my father’s death? Is there nothing that I can do about it?

Seeing my granny stay alone all day, looking forward to mom coming home in the evening and us visiting, makes me sad. There is little I can do to change the situation. Despite being surrounded by so many people at work and home, I feel lonely most of the times. I wonder how it must be for her. The amazing spirit she has, something I have seen over the years astounds me. For someone who has suffered much in her life, has little company for her old age, she is a highly spirited woman. She is enthusiastic about people visiting. Will be excited about it and will get into full swing doing the preparations. Does a whole lot of work at home and keeps herself as busy as possible with the little chores of the house. She has been the strength for my mom in more ways than one. I can’t imagine a life for me without them and a life for them without each other.

I truly and sincerely wish that I am the one who leaves this world before them. Call me an escapist if you want, but I truly don’t think I can go through the pain again!

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16 Comments Add yours

  1. greenboochi says:

    Hugs Arch. I can completely understand you. Hugs again.

  2. chipmunk says:

    aww hugs dear, I can understand the pain you are undergoing but see life with a positive node… will appa likes you speaking so? no right! he has seen you happy and your mommy happy.. though he has left us.. that doesn’t mean we don’t have life after that! we carry all his good memories of his and will try to accomplish the things he wish to do.. I can pretty much understand how devastated mom is.. you ought to cheer them up and keep the liveliness in home…
    How much ever pacify we do; things will take its own time to heal.. having a person for all the time and all of a sudden missing is indeed horrible. but its only you who has to support the two beautiful women next to you..

    One personal advise.. I don’t mind even if you think bad of me, but I guess as a fellow reader i have a teeny weeny bit of right to say….. you can’t take the other two people missing in future…. but have you put yourself in their shoes and had a second thought about it… what will they do if you also go… sit and think dear.. please don’t fear about tomorrow.. this second is what we have in hand.. god brought us to this world and he has a game of his to play… let us make this second as ours and move on na….

    It will take time to fall in place.. till then don’t think things much dear.. let it go..life has to go on… cheer up my sweet lady 🙂 now its time for you to see the health of mom and grandmom 🙂 🙂

    1. Arch says:

      Aww Chipmunk! Thank you so much for the sweet comment! 🙂
      I know I have to put myself in their shoes and think about how they would feel if I am not there. But at times the fear of losing everyone scares me and makes me think that the easy way out is for me to leave sooner than them!

      1. chipmunk says:

        c’mmon arch don’t think like that life has to go on… instead of thinking who to leave first we can pray god to keep them healthy na !! every one will be super fine darling.. don’t worry.. relax yourself da..

        No formalities between us.. you are always welcome.. I am happy that i could give you the tiniest support through comment 🙂 🙂 I wish to see amma is doing better and regaining the composure type of post from you 🙂 cheer up lady the road is long, never think about the speed breaker 🙂 we have break at your foot step to pause when time comes…

        1. Arch says:

          🙂 🙂
          Thank you for the support!

  3. Tatsat says:

    Escapist, yes! But maybe you are just saying so and don’t mean anything of that sort.

    1. Arch says:

      😦 😦
      I really don’t know.. The fear makes me think such things and that moment maybe I mean it. But I also don’t want them to get lonelier without me being around. 😦
      I wish life for everyone came with a fixed expiry date, so we know in advance about when we are gonna pass on.. Maybe then we would be better prepared. :-/

  4. Lavender says:

    I too have a similar situation in life now.. You said it all in this post and made me cry 😦 Hugs Arch

    1. Arch says:

      I am so sorry Lavender that you too are having to go through such a situation. 😦 Hugs right back!!

  5. Titaxy says:

    hugs, my darling. i can’t even begin to imagine what you must be going through, but i hope this passes. i hope that the strong women that your grandma and mom are, they find a way to cope with the loss without affecting their health. i wish you all have only happiness to share going forward. i hope the loneliness that they feel dies down somehow and i hope that you are able to do whatever your heart desires to get them to a level where they realize that they better take care of themselves for you. many many hugs.

    1. Arch says:

      😦 😦
      Thank you T! Hugs!!

  6. That is my biggest fear too 😦 losing loved ones. Hugs Arch.

    1. Arch says:

      😦
      I wish we never had to lose anyone! 😦 Hugs to you too!!

  7. Mi says:

    Why is every body writing about fears 😦
    Arch… it will all get better.Don’t think too much about it.. and I am suggesting this book to almost everyone…so try and get a pdf online and read this… Power of now by Eckhart Tolle 🙂

    1. Arch says:

      I wrote about it, coz I went home two days back and saw my granny so excited at seeing me. Felt really bad about her being all alone at home everyday. Then I couldn’t stop the rush of thoughts!
      I really hope it gets better! Will surely check out the book! Thanks Mi!!

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