Today has been a really drab day. I keep suffering from bouts of depression frequently and then I struggle my way out if it, just to be pulled back into it sooner or later. The struggle is very difficult, each time. But I just continue with the hope that one day I will be comfortable in my own skin, not wanting to be any different, to be any happier or anything like an other person. That day is when I am sure I will stop being depressed.
For now, I continue to be disappointed by what people tell, don’t tell, by what they do, by what they don’t do, by how they treat me despite me being good to them. I am mostly depressed over the thought that I am depressed a lot of times. It is something I don’t wanna be. And whenever there is something we resist, it comes back on to us much stronger than before.
One of the basic things that every article on fighting depression and finding ourselves tells is, to accept ourselves in entirety, the way we are. I need to stop judging myself based on what I think people think of me. I need to stop seeking company to feel good. I need to stop asking for reassurances in things I attempt. I need to stop taking my life’s decisions based only on others opinion while shutting up my own mind/heart and what it says.
It seems like there is a dual personality in me. The internal battle is on, every single day. Some days the rational me wins and am happy. Some days the unreasonable me wins and I am sad, and sometimes they both decide to take a day off fighting and I have a neutral day. 😐 The unreasonable one needs to be won over and I am working a lot at it. Giving up certain expectations is also a part of it, about which I will write tomorrow.