Today has been a really drab day. I keep suffering from bouts of depression frequently and then I struggle my way out if it, just to be pulled back into it sooner or later. The struggle is very difficult, each time. But I just continue with the hope that one day I will be comfortable in my own skin, not wanting to be any different, to be any happier or anything like an other person. That day is when I am sure I will stop being depressed.

For now, I continue to be disappointed by what people tell, don’t tell, by what they do, by what they don’t do, by how they treat me despite me being good to them. I am mostly depressed over the thought that I am depressed a lot of times. It is something I don’t wanna be. And whenever there is something we resist, it comes back on to us much stronger than before.

One of the basic things that every article on fighting depression and finding ourselves tells is, to accept ourselves in entirety, the way we are. I need to stop judging myself based on what I think people think of me. I need to stop seeking company to feel good. I need to stop asking for reassurances in things I attempt. I need to stop taking my life’s decisions based only on others opinion while shutting up my own mind/heart and what it says.

It seems like there is a dual personality in me. The internal battle is on, every single day. Some days the rational me wins and am happy. Some days the unreasonable me wins and I am sad, and sometimes they both decide to take a day off fighting and I have a neutral day. 😐 The unreasonable one needs to be won over and I am working a lot at it. Giving up certain expectations is also a part of it, about which I will write tomorrow.


6 Comments Add yours

  1. Visha says:

    What I have learnt over the period of time is letting go of things not in our hand relaxes the mind a lot. And the mind makes you feel all kind of emotions, happy, sad, depressed. So if you have the control over your mind, all the emotions can be controlled. When we take things to heart and hold a grudge and not let them go, then only it becomes difficult. Give a I-dont-give-a-care attitude to unnecessary things and you will find yourself light always.

    Of course, these are my views and experiences. I may be wrong 🙂

    1. Arch says:

      I really wanna build that “I don’t care” attitude, but haven’t been successful so far coz inherently I am not like that. I do care. That’s the whole problem. :-/

  2. Pepper says:

    I could have written this post. Not all of it, but most of it, yes. Hugs, babe. I think a lot of people feel depressed, but most only try to fight depression and present a very happy picture to the world. Acknowledging it calls for huge strength. And the fact that you possess it should make you genuinely happy. We only learn to fight the demons and move on, eventually.

    1. Arch says:

      Thank you Pepper for the kind words of encouragement. 🙂

  3. Satori says:

    First time here.. I just wanted to ask you if you have ever tried to learn meditation or take up something like an Art of Living course. I don’t know how you feel about this, but I have experienced and heard other peoples experiences to guarantee you that it is one of the best ways to deal with depression. Like you say, if you leave it to your mind, some days will be great but other days won’t be. Finding a method to go beyond the mind and it’s devious ways to pull you down requires something more than what your mind itself can provide. I hope you take my words in the right spirit. Best of luck for everything!

    1. Arch says:

      I have been considering it for a long time, but haven’t been able to make time for it. 😦
      I too have heard that meditation helps a a lot and that is one of the things I really need to learn to do. I find it extremely difficult to have a calm mind (you can guess from the theme of my blog that my mind does a lot of talking). And like you said I have to find some means to work on it.
      Thanks for reading and thank you for your comment!

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