Entries from the Diary – II

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There are R.D Burman’s songs playing on the radio. How much we would have enjoyed such times, isn’t it? It is so strange and seems almost impossible to find such company ever again. The strange part is that all those moments seemed so normal and usual back then. But now they seem so amazingly special. We let the moments slip by, looking out for something extra-ordinary. In retrospect it is only those tiny moments which bring a smile on the face.

Dad, the words I miss you can never ever describe how bad I feel about you not being here. Why are relationships so complicated? It seems so demanding when we are in the middle of it. It seems to take so much effort. But when we lose it, it seems like it was so simple and we were wrecking it for no reason! I am living with enough regrets today in life and don’t want to do that with the other relationships. That is why I am trying my best to let things be and not let it affect me in the negative way. Tomorrow, I know I will be thankful that I was quiet and did not pick up a fight in certain situations.

Now when I reflect back on the days that went by, I get the feeling that you knew my moods well. You would know if I was sad or dull. You would inquire about it. Once on the phone, I remember, you had identified from my voice that I was sad. You had asked me, “Didn’t Bg take you out anywhere? You never stay at home for so long na.. You must be bored.” I felt so good that day. I felt that you know me so well!

Today I was having a similar low feeling, but nobody else could figure out anything! You knew how much I enjoyed being with friends. It made me happy. Today, there is no friend whom I can simply get out of the house, go and meet. So sometimes that feeling of being cooped up inside, gets to me!

Random people call the RJs and speak their heart out. It seems easier talking to a stranger. Is that so? The tell their deepest secrets and share their precious emotions over a call with an RJ. How?? Maybe when we feel that no one understands or identifies with our sentiments, it becomes easier to share it with a stranger. At least they won’t judge us.

Like always.. my thoughts are all muddled up. So many things running in my head. I keep judging myself more than someone else does. I shouldn’t! I should love myself, whether or not anyone does! Because, I deserve to be loved.

Sometimes I feel that the custom of burying a body, followed by certain religions/castes is better than our custom of burning. If ours was so, I would have a grave that I could visit. I could sit beside that place, where you would be sleeping and I could speak my heart out. I wouldn’t need a diary/blog to put it into words. I could bring flowers to you. I could sing to you. But then again, on some days, it would become difficult for the others to get me back from there. Sigh! There are two sides to everything na?? Rarely do we see both. Mostly it is just one view and believing that that’s the only way and being blind and adamant about it.

I am being totally incoherent, but I know you are listening and understanding.

Love,
Arch
(26.04.2014)

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5 Comments Add yours

  1. greenboochi says:

    How I wish I could go back to those days of simple joys!? May be its a part of me that I am not appreciating my present and always hold my past in a special place or yearn for it every now and then. I am not worried about my future, but past – I cant let go of it. May be thats where my problem lies.

    Why do relationships have to be so complicated? – Same question lingers on my mind too.

    Arch, I know how you miss your dad and how you regret about all that you could have done. But really, parents know us. They understand us like no one else. I am sure Appa must be watching you from where ever he is.

    The very thought of burning brings me jitters. Cant exactly put my feelings in words. There is a reason, I am sure why it is done the way it is done in some religions. I have no courage to think further.

  2. Bikramjit says:

    Arch I don’t know what to say .. rather I have so much to say but don’t know what or how to say ..

    you take care of yourself ..

  3. Tharani says:

    Hugs Arch.. Take care.

  4. Mi says:

    hugs arch… 🙂 you can always have a place where you can visit and remember the good times you spent with your dad.. so what if our customs are different! 🙂

  5. Arch, lots of hugs.
    You are very blessed to have such wonderful thoughts and memories that you shared. Let them make you feel just that – blessed and happy. I am sure your father always wants that, a smile on your face.

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