Missed opportunities, missed conversations, missed moments, my life is turning out to be full of regrets most of the times. When alone I think of how I don’t speak nicely to my hubby and end up complaining to him or snapping at him due to issues created by the MIL/SIL. But when with him, I end up doing the same thing again!
I regret how I am leading a frustrated life at most times, where I am irritated, don’t have the patience to have a proper conversation with anyone, even on the phone. The irritation is evident and conversations kept short. It’s hard for me to keep the interest going. But once the phone call is cut, I feel sorry for the way I spoke, start feeling that I am doing wrong to the people who don’t deserve it.
Lately I have been having this huge desire to travel somewhere alone, for a fortnight or so. It shouldn’t really be like an official trip or for work. It’s gotta be like a trip for self discovery. I know it’s far from possible. What with us being bound to so many relations, answerable to so many people and also the fact that it isn’t really safe anymore for women, anywhere.
I don’t wanna be this negative person, that I believe I am turning into. When people hurt me, I used to forget about it. But now that’s becoming hard to do. I don’t wanna bear grudges against anyone. I don’t wanna show one person’s anger or someone else. I am beginning to do all this and I am not happy about it.
My head and my thoughts are always all over the place. When I am doing one thing, I remember something else and abandon the current stuff and switch to that. But I regret and feel bad that I don’t see anything to completion. I lose track, I forget, I lose interest and leave things unfinished.
As I grow older I feel I am becoming lonelier. While it is usual for me to end up having talkative friends, who do all the talking and I listen, I have observed that when I want to share something, say something, there usually nobody to listen to. My conversations are cut short or people start their own stories in the middle of my talk, they start comparing my situation to something in their life and trivialize my situation and say their’s is far worse and mine is nothing. People take my help when they need it and aren’t around when I need them. I am tired of it and feel lost. I wonder if there is anyone who would listen to me?
I am a pushover and people take me for granted. I always try and keep my word. If I say I’ll meet someone, I almost always make time for it, no matter how busy I am. I cancel on people in the rarest of situations, when it is totally unavoidable. Even at those times I feel extremely bad and try making up for it by suggesting an alternate time from my end. But most people cancel on me, at the drop of a hat! Almost every time something is planned, I have people calling in to say they can’t make it and let’s meet next time. That next time is never defined.
Recently I had a huge fight with a close friend who did this (again!). There is always something that comes up when we plan to meet and it gets cancelled. This time we planned to meet and go visit another friend, who recently had baby. This plan was made in the morning. I had loads of work at office and yet made it a point to leave at 5, as planned. He calls up at 5.15, around 5 min before the time we should have met and says another friend is visiting him and he can’t make it. Said he will go and visit the other friend and see the baby next time. I was so enraged! I simply cut the call and visited the other friend alone and went home, logged in again so I could finish the office work. But this time I made sure that he felt bad for what he did. I gave him a proper tongue-lashing. Made it clear that he does this every other time and I am not going to plan any more meets. Even if they plan it, I will not be available at their beck and call.
My anger is short-lived and all my friends and family know it too. They know that pretty soon I will be okay and feeling bad for having gotten angry. They will be ready to take me for a ride again! I want to learn how to be assertive and yet not rude, how to be there for someone but not let them take me for granted. Sigh! So many issues, such little hope! 😦