On and on… and on…

on

I know the reason for my unhappiness. It is because I always do things, thinking about others. About what they will tell, they will feel bad etc. Hence most times I end up doing stuff for people though I may not want to do it. I feel unhappy then. Since I do things for people, I expect them to value it, which people don’t. I end up being unhappy again. Sometimes… I do things that I want to do. When I do that I feel guilty, as if I am doing something wrong. I hope that people agree to what I want and when it doesn’t happen, I end up unhappy again!

It is not wrong to think about ourselves is it? To do what I feel like doing? What’s wrong in that? It is my life! If I keep doing things thinking about others, by the time I am 60, I will have only lived a life with regret, guilt and unhappiness.

Why is it so hard? It is because of the culture imbibed into us, since childhood. To always think of others before ourselves. My dad always told me, that I have to think about others. He said life is not about being selfish. I think selfish people are happier. They don’t kill their wishes and desires for others, all their life!

On the other hand, selfless people also lead a happy life. They wholeheartedly do things for others and expect nothing in return! I am caught between the two. I am not totally selfless. I put others before myself, but I expect care, concern and acknowledgment in return. If I become selfish, I start feeling guilty and the morals instilled in me, start pricking me. Caught between the two, I am eternally unhappy.

Such is the depth of my unhappiness, that getting out of the quicksand seems impossible. If I struggle one step out, I am pulled in by another two steps. My mind is usually all over the place. Always restless, thinking the dos and don’ts, calculating the pros and cons and building the fictitious probable and improbable scenarios. I get tired, sitting at one place, having physically done nothing! Mental exhaustion is too much.

I keep feeling nobody loves me. I want them to express the love in the form of words. When they don’t I question and seek validation. But I don’t believe them when they reply in affirmation. I think they are just saying that, so I can keep quite. 😦 Either way I am unhappy.

I have heard that people get used to being a certain way. They seek comfort in being unhappy too. They self-pity themselves, all the time. They are in fact scared of being happy, scared to get out of the sluggish, comfortable, unhappy place. I feel I am there right now.

My heart tells me I wanna be happy, but I am scared to take the steps and make the change required for that, coz they seem drastic and will be unacceptable to others. Which brings me back to what I started with.

It seems like an endless loop….

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16 Comments Add yours

  1. greenboochi says:

    Hugs Arch. Just dont think of others – I know easier said than done. I once heard my manager say – Its okay to be selfish once in a while, if thats what makes you happy. I just remember that whenever I feel that I am getting pulled down cos of my concern for others..

    1. Arch says:

      Thanks GB! Hugs right back!

  2. Tatsat says:

    You need a time out. Plan a vacation with BG if you can…

    1. Arch says:

      Hmm.. This is something that we’ve been planning and planning. It just doesn’t get beyond the plan phase! :-/

  3. Selfless people live a happy life helping others out. Same way, if I don’t want to be selfless for someone I may not care much about, I will be upset if I have to.
    So, it’s okay to be selfish if that makes you happy.
    Regarding constant validation, I am in the same loop man. When I was younger, I would look for conversations, or any signs where I felt I was not liked. 😦

    1. Arch says:

      You did that when you were younger.. I do that even now.. 😦

      1. I still do it. But earlier it became more like snooping, eavesdropping. Ugh. All bad habits.

        1. Earlier it was more* like

  4. Anu says:

    You should stop thinking too much and just enjoy the little moments! You should know that there are loads of people who love you, who care for you… just that they might not always go around announcing it. Love lies in the little gestures, that is where you should look for it, it need not and is not always written out in bold letters! Be happy πŸ™‚

    1. Arch says:

      Hmm.. I need to stop thinking too much..

  5. smdeea11 says:

    I know what you mean. There are times when I feel the same! But I try and think not too much about it. You too do that. And if being selfish makes you happy, just be that. But without any guilt. Hugs.

    1. Arch says:

      I do try not to think about it.. So it’s better when I am busy.. But an empty mind is a devil’s workshop.. Isn’t it? 😐

  6. Lavender says:

    I have the same problem. I too feel the same way. What I do at those days is go out shopping or even plan a future vacation. These things help me forget such things. And I agree, it is OKAY to be selfish at times. So, cheer up girl, you will be okay soon! πŸ™‚

    1. Arch says:

      Thanks Lavender πŸ™‚

  7. Bikramjit says:

    BUT your own happiness is Equally important or rather MORE important than other’s happiness .. you can only make others happy if you yourself are happy .. and to make yourself happy you got to do what makes you happy…

    BE yourself sometimes .. YES go for it .. my best wishes and CHeer up.. πŸ™‚

    take care

    1. Arch says:

      Thanks Bikram! πŸ™‚

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