X – ‘X’

Remember way back in school, how you had the task of finding ‘x’ in Mathematics? It took on so many roles. ‘X’ could be the simple number of apples to a value in an extremely complex equation. But the best part about the whole thing was, if you derived it logically, you could always find ‘x’.

But finding ‘x’ in actual life is so tough! Despite putting together so many possibilities and probabilities and doing complex calculations, there is a fair chance that you will not find the right value of ‘x’. While for some, finding and pursuing this unknown factor gives a thrill and they prefer the surprise element, for some it is pure anxiety and worry.

I mostly belong to the second category. While I do like the surprise element in a few things in life, having the knowledge about something in prior is what I would prefer mostly. Take the simplest of things, like going on a trip, I just cannot go on an impromptu trip. I like it to be well planned, have knowledge of things like where we’ll stay, which place we will go to etc. I may miss out on a lot of fun, due to this nature of mine, but I haven’t been able to change this attitude.

This behavior is not limited to simple things like these. Even when taking decisions, the uncertainty scares and confuses me to such an extent, that I am in agony for days. For instance, early this year I was offered an opportunity to travel to the US, for a deployment task. Having been the key person who worked on it and having never traveled abroad before, this was a great opportunity.

Sadly at the same point of time, we were at a juncture in our personal lives, where we had to focus on our family plans. It was something, we were having trouble with for a long time. Though the travel was for a short duration, the dates weren’t decided yet, so I just couldn’t decide on what would be the right decision – to travel or to let go of the opportunity.

I was so torn between the two choices, both of which I felt was extremely important to me. I was in such a confused state of mind for three days, had arguments with BG and had mixed opinions from people, that it was frustrating. Finally, I just decided to refuse the travel.

My junior was then chosen for it and I had to silently digest that fact. Due to various issues and formalities at the customer environment, my junior hasn’t traveled for the task till date and there is no guarantee of when she will. While now it feels that I took the right decision, I wish it easier at that point in time. How much agony I would be saved of.

I know it is the surprise factor, that makes life enjoyable, but I wish finding ‘x’ in certain situations were simple, logical and accurate. It would help people like me tremendously!