A Birthday Letter to my Son – 4

Dear Chintu,

It’s your second birthday in a lockdown condition. But, the world and especially our country is going through such times of crisis due to Covid that we should all be just thankful for being alive and breathing. Number of people infected are rising every day and so is the death toll. Trust me it’s very very scary. Scary, dark thoughts cross my mind and many a time I feel numb, sick in the stomach and hopeless about the situation. About how we have absolutely no control about what’s happening in the country. We lost many folks amongst our relatives, friends and acquaintances in this past year and each news brought with it profound sadness and sense of fear.

All said, we still need to learn to look for the silver lining. How there is still hope as long as we are alive. I want you to be hopeful, about a brighter future, a better future, always. If and when you read this letter I want you to realize that you’ve survived through such difficult times and that the human kind has that kind of strength to fight adversity. You just have to focus on your strength and be hopeful.

Needless to say since situations have been difficult globally, so have they been personally. With schools being closed down and your Appa and I having to work from home, all days of the week, the past year has been really tough. The WFH situation has been very very demanding, with our calls extending into late evenings and nights, eating up our time that needed to be spent with you. But you’ve been understanding on most days. I have been struggling and juggling things every day like crazy and feel like I have been running a continuous marathon. It feels like things will come crashing down if one ball drops or one lap is missed. I know it has taken a toll on you too.

It breaks my heart when I have to ask you to leave the room, so I can attend a meeting. Now, you even ask me if you can stay in the room if you are silent and not talk. 😦 I mostly oblige because I know you want to be around. You’ve got more attached, with me being around you 24/7. It’s stressful and demanding, yet I know it’s temporary. It’s only a matter of time before you want to be on your own and I will miss these moments badly.

The last year for me has been demanding at work, with me scaling to new positions, taking up newer responsibilities, fulfilling multiple roles. In the midst of this I keep battling the guilt of not doing enough for you. Like, not spending enough time to teach you new things. Not making you read or write on a regular basis, like how a school would’ve done. But I just want you to know that I have done the best that I could. With your Appa on calls all day and I having to manage a lot of these things alone, on many days I haven’t been able to do enough for you. Please forgive me for that. Your a very bright chap and I hope you will make up for all this in the upcoming days and years.

This year, apart from us, you’ve spent a lot of time with your cousin, who is 5 years old and super naughty. Needless to say you’ve picked up a lot of tricks and habits from him. We don’t have complete control over that and hence let it go whenever we can. But some days have been really bad and you have faced the consequences for that. While you have had some serious scolding, some beatings from us, you’ve also learnt the painful way – by having fallen down and hurt yourself, having lost or broken things, having fought with him. I only hope all of that makes you a much more sensible and responsible child/person.

I am amazed by how your vocabulary has grown, even if it’s limited to Kannada. I sometimes feel I should have taught you English too, but then I feel otherwise. It’s important to know your mother tongue too. Especially in today’s world where everyone blindly adopts the western culture and language and ignores their own culture and learnings. So, it makes me immensely proud when you frame those perfect sentences in Kannada, and speak to the point. I only wish your volume was a tad lower. 😛 But I guess that runs in the family too. 🙂

There are so many tiny signs of growing up – you don’t ask to be carried, as much as you used to before; you want to pick your own clothes, you want to help make chapathis, you can clean up after yourself, you want to carry stuff on your own, you water the plants, you walk longer distances, you understand everything, everyone says; you remember a LOT of stuff, you don’t want a song or story to fall asleep. Oh! The list is growing longer by the day. I on the other hand, like every mother, wishes to hold on to her baby a little longer. I hug you tighter after you fall asleep. I carry you, whenever you ask for it. I smother you with kisses.

My dear boy, as you turn 4 this day, I wish you good health, happiness and success and in everything that you aim for in life. I pray that God gives us enough life and strength to make you able and independent to lead your life well.

Lots and lots of love always!

-Amma