On and on… and on…

I know the reason for my unhappiness. It is because I always do things, thinking about others. About what they will tell, they will feel bad etc. Hence most times I end up doing stuff for people though I may not want to do it. I feel unhappy then. Since I do things for people, I expect them to value it, which people don’t. I end up being unhappy again. Sometimes… I do things that I want to do. When I do that I feel guilty, as if I am doing something wrong. I hope that people agree to what I want and when it doesn’t happen, I end up unhappy again!

It is not wrong to think about ourselves is it? To do what I feel like doing? What’s wrong in that? It is my life! If I keep doing things thinking about others, by the time I am 60, I will have only lived a life with regret, guilt and unhappiness.

Why is it so hard? It is because of the culture imbibed into us, since childhood. To always think of others before ourselves. My dad always told me, that I have to think about others. He said life is not about being selfish. I think selfish people are happier. They don’t kill their wishes and desires for others, all their life!

On the other hand, selfless people also lead a happy life. They wholeheartedly do things for others and expect nothing in return! I am caught between the two. I am not totally selfless. I put others before myself, but I expect care, concern and acknowledgment in return. If I become selfish, I start feeling guilty and the morals instilled in me, start pricking me. Caught between the two, I am eternally unhappy.

Such is the depth of my unhappiness, that getting out of the quicksand seems impossible. If I struggle one step out, I am pulled in by another two steps. My mind is usually all over the place. Always restless, thinking the dos and don’ts, calculating the pros and cons and building the fictitious probable and improbable scenarios. I get tired, sitting at one place, having physically done nothing! Mental exhaustion is too much.

I keep feeling nobody loves me. I want them to express the love in the form of words. When they don’t I question and seek validation. But I don’t believe them when they reply in affirmation. I think they are just saying that, so I can keep quite. 😦 Either way I am unhappy.

I have heard that people get used to being a certain way. They seek comfort in being unhappy too. They self-pity themselves, all the time. They are in fact scared of being happy, scared to get out of the sluggish, comfortable, unhappy place. I feel I am there right now.

My heart tells me I wanna be happy, but I am scared to take the steps and make the change required for that, coz they seem drastic and will be unacceptable to others. Which brings me back to what I started with.

It seems like an endless loop….